At this point in my life, I have lost all hope in ever seeing my dreams come into fruition. I’m still trying to save up money for a car, apartment necessities for when I move, rent/bill/grocery money, etc.
The last thing I want to do is jeopardize my financial earnings by wasting them on “hobbies”.
Want to get back into voice acting? Too bad. I can’t afford a good microphone/preamp/other gear nor do I have the proper space to put foam in order to cancel out any noise.
Want to get a camera, lighting, video editing software, and other goodies to getting a show together? Not unless I want to have myself go in debt. Oh wait, I don’t even have credit.
Want to go back to college in order to attain more experience and get a job I enjoy? Ha! Loans only await me, and they probably won’t even guarantee me no charge until I got a job. Oh….and did I forget to mention I have no credit?
Even when I do get a new place to stay, I need to keep myself economically solid in order to survive. Buying items that would probably just lead to my downfall won’t do my already damaged self-confidence and esteem any good.
I can’t get anywhere if I can’t afford living expenses down the line.
Life sucks. I wish I was dead, but I’m still living to just validate other people’s happiness and not my own.
Rant over. No one will probably read this. Why am I even writing this? I don’t even know anymore.
So, it's now been over a week later, and donations have come to a stand-still. Sadly, I have come up with no other ways to further promote this campaign. I've tried networking through social media (Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, LinkedIn), voice acting forums (Voice Acting Alliance, Voice Acting Club) voice actors, Newgrounds, etc. Yet, I've still come up short in the end.
I'm starting to feel like this endeavor will prove to be meaningless in the end. If it does, I will refund the money donated to me since I feel guilty for accepting contributions that are not utilized correctly.
Unless someone has anymore ideas/suggestions, I'm afraid this campaign will be meeting its end soon.
I just recently started a campaign in the hopes that one day, I can go back to doing voice acting. I wish I could afford it right now, but since I'm lacking efficient money and don't wish to get myself in debt (that, and wishing to save up for apartment necessities when I move out as well as a new car), it's an immense impossibility.
Feel free to click on the link above to learn more, and even share it if you want to.
If this is a topic that goes against the rules of the Newgrounds forums, I'll gladly delete this.
Till then, hope everyone is having an exquisite day.
So far, despite trying to be more active in social media and other factions online, I feel that I have been wasting my time as well as precious others'. Skype, Twitter, Tumblr, Facebook, even here. It's all been a bloody waste of time when I can't connect with anyone, no matter how hard I attempt to. So, with that in mind, who knows if this account will be active any longer. Same goes for my other accounts on Facebook, Twitter, Skype, Tumblr, etc.
They're no good if they can't sedate the morose urge inside me.
Has anything changed from the last blog post I made here in terms of my depression? In all honesty, no. Sure, I do still have some decent days, but they come very few and far in between.
It’s been almost a year since I went on my voice acting hiatus, and it doesn’t seem like it’ll cease anytime soon. In fact, I plan to sell my microphone in the near future. It’s a Studio Projects C1 Condenser Microphone as shown in this post I made on the Voice Acting section of the Newgrounds forum: http://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic/1379637
It does come with its own case and it’s in good condition. A screw is loose on the casing, but I’m working to fix it promptly. I plan to sell it at around $175 to $200. If interested, let me know and perhaps we can go through some details.
I was originally going to sell my Alesis Multimix 8 USB FX Multimixer, but I unfortunately have lost the software disc. I hope to see if I can buy a replacement, but the searching process has been grim.
I have deleted all my friends on Facebook as well as my contacts on Skype, for I believe that they deserve a better friend than my self-hating self.
Job has been crap. I have no passion nor drive, and I screw up everytime I’m there. The worse part is that even if I decide to quit and find another job, there’s no other valid job for me. I’ve been looking for a different job for over two years before having no choice but to accept this position.
The days are short; the happiness always depletes. No point, no chance of success, no future.
Over two weeks ago, I made the decision to delete all my videos on both of my Youtube channels. No one has complained about or wondered why this was the case. However, I figured I would let people know why this happened.
The reason is simple: I grew sick of looking at my own work. To me, they were sloppy, embarrassing, and completely unwatchable. They weren’t even worth leaving up for personal remembrance anymore and looking back on how I improve (which I’m pretty sure I have not).
As for the matter of the video files, they have all been deleted and will probably never see the light of day again. That is except for two particular videos which I collaborated on with AderuMoro. I have given her the video files personally, and it’s her decision and her decision alone if she wants them posted on her channel or elsewhere. If she does, they might fare better than what my channel could do for them. If she doesn’t, however, that’s her choice and I’ll respect it. She’s free to do whatever she wants to do for her channel, so please don’t pressure her.
In the meantime, you can still check out a few of my “audio-only” submissions at either my Newgrounds or Soundcloud account. Here are the links to them.
As for the future of my channel and projects, it looks bleak. I don’t have any way at this point to do any voice-acting (hence a reason why I decided to go on hiatus) nor do I have the capabilities to make any worthwhile videos on my channel. The last few videos I made were done with Windows Movie Maker, and that…………….is horrible software. Free, but still horrible.
I can’t reinvent myself with inventive ideas or outlandish scripts, either. Main reason being I seriously doubt that I am good enough to ever pull off something funny, clever, provocative, or remotely intelligent. My severe depression, as well as my lack of friends and low self-worth, have degraded me into someone with no strive, no hope, no tomorrow. The face I see in the mirror everyday is one that I despise from the bottom of my heart. One that I yearn to smash and rip apart everyday, but lack the will to pull it off.
This is a main reason why I haven’t contacted anyone on Skype, as well as cut ties with both my Facebook and Twitter accounts. No one wants me to vent out my issues. Is it because they care? Perhaps. But they should also remember that I’m not normal. I can never communicate nor understand the human mind, and my attempts to grasp and understand those in my mental state and disability seem to fail automatically. I can’t comprehend people, nor can I coincide with others that share the same conditions I do.
I can only hope that my future counseling around mid July will be enough to sort out the hardships that I face everyday. It may not be the hardships of those far less fortunate than me, but it still hurts. It still stings to know that I can never fit into a world where I feel like an outsider. An alien from another planet. Overall, my Asperger’s, as well as my depression, has ruined my life.
As for the future of Hermie and Poppenfresh, I’ve been trying to get ideas and hopefully let my dumb ambitions and attempts at humor and heart work through my depression. Unfortunately, nothing has come of it.
The ambition is gone. The drive is for naught. Unless I can get better and cure myself of this…………..”disease”……………..I can never understand anyone nor myself.
I’m sorry, everyone. For my dumb, depressive rants. I’m truly sorry. Take this small blog as you wish. I just really needed to get this out. I’m not dying tonight………but I’m also not looking forward to tomorrow. Bloody hell.
My home was currently the victim of continuous days of rain, and since our home wasn't built with a sup pipe, the water ended up destroying our basement, ruining the hard work my father put into making his own man cave dedicated to watching his favorite team on the big screen. Sadly, their insurance company can't cover the damages, so I made a gofundme campaign to hopefully aid them in their turmoil.
You don't have to donate if you don't want to, especially if you're on a tight budget. If you do decide to, however, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. There are rewards for each dollar amount you happen to spend. More details about them in the link above. I hope this goes well.
I’ve already made a post similar to this on my Twitter, Tumblr, and Facebook accounts. If you’ve read it there, it’s the same dance routine here. If not, feel free to continue.
As mentioned in one of my status updates in the last few days, I haven’t been nailing any roles or gigs for quite a while now, and have been cheated out of money due to a bad deal with my last contractor. The sound quality of my voice-over recordings aren’t faring any better either, with my current living quarters refusing me the right to properly soundproof my room. It gets me thinking that this is probably one of the main reasons why I haven’t landed a gig (and why spending over $300 on an annual Voices.com membership was the WORST mistake I’ve ever made.)
So, due to these circumstances, I have decided to go on hiatus. I will not be accepting any voice acting roles until I can hopefully improve my sound quality and acting in general. When will this end? When I probably get a place of my own (which could take years at this point ) and properly dedicate a room to voice-overs. The only exception I will make is for series that I’m already a part of (two for example). Until then, don’t expect any original content from me for a LONG time. Perhaps if I’m lucky, I can cut down on it, but at this point, it’s not going to happen.
This is a campaign for my brother, for after going through many hardships in his life this year, is now in another one due to someone stealing his credit card number, buying numerous items under his name, and leaving him in a horrid financial situation with overdrafts to pay. I would appreciate the donations in this matter. I hope he has a Merry Christmas.
And this time, don't bloody comment on my avatar. I know it's very menacing, but don't waste my time by stating the obvious. >_<