Over two weeks ago, I made the decision to delete all my videos on both of my Youtube channels. No one has complained about or wondered why this was the case. However, I figured I would let people know why this happened.
The reason is simple: I grew sick of looking at my own work. To me, they were sloppy, embarrassing, and completely unwatchable. They weren’t even worth leaving up for personal remembrance anymore and looking back on how I improve (which I’m pretty sure I have not).
As for the matter of the video files, they have all been deleted and will probably never see the light of day again. That is except for two particular videos which I collaborated on with AderuMoro. I have given her the video files personally, and it’s her decision and her decision alone if she wants them posted on her channel or elsewhere. If she does, they might fare better than what my channel could do for them. If she doesn’t, however, that’s her choice and I’ll respect it. She’s free to do whatever she wants to do for her channel, so please don’t pressure her.
In the meantime, you can still check out a few of my “audio-only” submissions at either my Newgrounds or Soundcloud account. Here are the links to them.
As for the future of my channel and projects, it looks bleak. I don’t have any way at this point to do any voice-acting (hence a reason why I decided to go on hiatus) nor do I have the capabilities to make any worthwhile videos on my channel. The last few videos I made were done with Windows Movie Maker, and that…………….is horrible software. Free, but still horrible.
I can’t reinvent myself with inventive ideas or outlandish scripts, either. Main reason being I seriously doubt that I am good enough to ever pull off something funny, clever, provocative, or remotely intelligent. My severe depression, as well as my lack of friends and low self-worth, have degraded me into someone with no strive, no hope, no tomorrow. The face I see in the mirror everyday is one that I despise from the bottom of my heart. One that I yearn to smash and rip apart everyday, but lack the will to pull it off.
This is a main reason why I haven’t contacted anyone on Skype, as well as cut ties with both my Facebook and Twitter accounts. No one wants me to vent out my issues. Is it because they care? Perhaps. But they should also remember that I’m not normal. I can never communicate nor understand the human mind, and my attempts to grasp and understand those in my mental state and disability seem to fail automatically. I can’t comprehend people, nor can I coincide with others that share the same conditions I do.
I can only hope that my future counseling around mid July will be enough to sort out the hardships that I face everyday. It may not be the hardships of those far less fortunate than me, but it still hurts. It still stings to know that I can never fit into a world where I feel like an outsider. An alien from another planet. Overall, my Asperger’s, as well as my depression, has ruined my life.
As for the future of Hermie and Poppenfresh, I’ve been trying to get ideas and hopefully let my dumb ambitions and attempts at humor and heart work through my depression. Unfortunately, nothing has come of it.
The ambition is gone. The drive is for naught. Unless I can get better and cure myself of this…………..”disease”……………..I can never understand anyone nor myself.
I’m sorry, everyone. For my dumb, depressive rants. I’m truly sorry. Take this small blog as you wish. I just really needed to get this out. I’m not dying tonight………but I’m also not looking forward to tomorrow. Bloody hell.